May 14, 2008
Well our new GM is hard at work in his first month in office; he’s hired himself a slick little money man, left his current coach flapping around in the breeze and now has gone out and convinced Scott Mellanby to unretire from the TV booth and join his crew up in GM Place.
What’s that you ask? What is Scott doing for the team? Good question: officially, he’s the “consultant to the General Manager“. OK, that could mean anything. Let’s dig deeper in that press release for the moneyshot…ahhh, here it is:
“…Mellanby will assist Gillis in consulting in all areas of the Hockey Operations department and specifically professional player personnel.”
Oh good, he’ll help asset the talent! As if to suggest the Canucks need help there? Pish posh.
A quick rap sheet on Mellanby:
- In 1989 Mellanby suffered a serious injury in a barroom brawl when he tried to help a friend and he wound up getting a severe cut from a broken beer bottle on his left arm. The cut sliced four tendons, a nerve and an artery in the arm. Doctors repaired it through surgery, but Mellanby had been close to amputation. [Wikipedia]. So good he knows pain.
- The closest Mellanby came to the cup was when his Philadelphia Flyers lost to Edmonton in the 1987. [Wikipedia]. So good no pesky Cup experience memories.
- Mellanby became a fan favourite in Florida when he killed a rat with his hockey stick in the team dressing room. That led fans to start throwing plastic rats on the ice each time the Panthers scored a goal. [Globe & Mail via [Canucks & Beyond]. So good he has unquestionable blood lust.
I, for one, welcome our new overlord and special consultant and eagerly look forward to his contributions to the HMS Gillis and the (*clown horn*) upcoming Vancouver Canucks season. My first contribution to Sir Mellanby: this handy chart that shows just how much consulting this team needs:
Posted in Gillis will smack the spit out of your mouth 
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May 11, 2008
Dear Roberto,
I write to send my deepest apologies that, through the magic of that whole internet craze, I have taken it upon myself to sponsor your profile over at Hockey-Reference.com. I did this because (a) it’s the latest craze for us bloggers who have nothing to watch except the Red Wings winning; (b) I feel confident you’ll be a Canuck all next season which is more then I can say for anyone else on the team; and (c) I feel obliged to support a page that details your career statistics and still helps soothe the wounds left over from the Cloutier/Potvin years.
Sadly, this also means my profuse mixing of alcohol and writing and frequent, obscenity-laced tirades when commenting on Vancouver’s poor performance will be linked to your name in this one respect. I regret any public relations issues and/or other future problems related to this new association.
(Though because you’re a professional and role model and, as such, can’t curse and flip out as much as I can, I table the proposition that I will say outloud what you are not at liberty to say; I will channel your anger into words for the benefit of your fans. For instance, when you see five guys in front of you fall asleep and are left alone to be scored on, you will likely say “We need to play a more complete game” but I will say “FUCK FUCK FUCK”. And just like that you will reach a cathartic level of oneness. Deal? Deal.)
I hope your short game has improved this summer. See ya in the fall.
Kindest regards,
-Mike
Posted in Luongo No Comments »
May 8, 2008
Every one of the teams in the second round had an aggressive offensive flow lead and supported by some of the most talented guys on this planet. It’s not all the big ticket names either: new guys like the Kostitsyns, Umberger and Pavelski, out of nowhere guys like Clowe and Franzen, agitators like Ruutu, Morrow and Avery, veterans like Roenick, perennial post season no shows like Hossa and Briere (OK those are big names), the list goes on. The post season brings out the best in these guys. In the first and second rounds especially: scoring often isn’t an “if”, it’s a “when”.
The Canucks, by contrast, have a story we all know by now: scoring is an “if” every 60 minutes of ice time they got.
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Posted in Canucks = Fail 2 Comments »
May 5, 2008
So I got half my predictions in the second round right, but if you consider my list of fears (Turco & Umberger especially) then technically I was 100%. So with four teams left, you’re probably like me in that you hate the majority of them, so let’s have some fun…
Pittsburgh V Philadelphia
What will happen: These two teams will kick the living hell out of each other; I don’t even know what Ruutu will do to top his abuse of Jagr but I’m excited anyway. The series goes seven, but too many penalties allow the baby Pens to abuse Biron and jump into the conference finals.
What I fear will happen: Umberger pwns Fleury, the Flyers unleash their goons to run amok and I am subjected to a few more weeks of Flyer fans smiling. Puke.
You should probably pay attention to…: Briere, Umberger, Malkin, Crosby
Dallas V Detroit
What will happen: The Stars done gone and eliminated my team. In fact, the Stars are poised to have a nice story: knocking off the defending champs, knocking off a team most picked to win the Cup back in October and can now take down the Presidents’ Trophy winners. I am late to this bandwagon, but let’s jump on it. Stars in six.
What I fear will happen: I fear more positive Turco coverage. I fear more positive Wings coverage. I fear I am fucked no matter what. So again I will openly admit my true fear that the ice will not crack open and take both teams to the center of the planet.
You should probably pay attention to…: Franzen, Datsyuk, Morrow, Ribeiro
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May 4, 2008
…why the hell Jagr chose to have the world’s worst facial hair?
…am I the only one who misses Ruutu (and for that matter Cooke)?
…why Mike Milbury looks utterly terrified when NBC shows him between the benches?
…if watching Umberger’s performance annoys any other Vancouver fans?
…if Bettman is touching himself at the idea of a Detroit/Pittsburgh final?
…is anyone else hoping Campbell Umbergers someone on Dallas before it’s over?
…if Canada will ever get the damn Cup back?
…if Bertuzzi and Naslund are watching the games while golfing together?
…if I will ever see Sakic play again (though I won’t miss him making Vancouver his personal bitch)?
…why Vanbiesbrouck is still employed by Versus?
…what pact with Satan did the Wings ink to be so loaded with talent?
…will anyone miss the giant Viagra add behind the nets in Montreal?
…who won the last Mark Messier Leadership award? (just kidding, I don’t care)
…how badly the Canucks would have been destroyed in this second round of the playoffs?
Posted in Flames suck No Comments »
April 30, 2008
While it’s a stretch, we can still suggest that the gift that keeps on giving (our beloved Vancouver Canucks franchise) just keeps on giving. Not content with an embarrassing season, a retiring icon, a fired GM and a team teetering on disarray, how about a failed first rounder running nude through the streets of suburban Pennsylvania?
Nathan Smith, who you have no real need to remember other then that Brian Burke drafted him 23rd overall in 2000 - ahead of such chumps like Justin Williams, Niklas Kronwall, Nick Schultz, Jarret Stoll and Ilya Bryzgalov - had a few too many and decided to streak the quiet burb of Scranton, allegedly screaming something about Dunder Mifflin Paper and Pam having a nice rack.
What’s the lesson? That, seriously, drafting is important people. We could have had Kronwall and instead we get a drunk who wanted to show grandmothers his junk.
Posted in Alcohol No Comments »
April 25, 2008
Sheesh, I was kidding when speculating about what next week will bring. But the sitcom of the Vancouver Canuck management (nearing their 40th celebratory year!) continues with Mike Gillis’ rapid ascension to the throne of Vancouver Canucks GM or, if you will, “The 0-38 Chair”.
Like most of you, I knew he was an agent and it pretty much ended there. Most reports seem to be crucifying the guy off that bat because he’s never been a GM which seems short sighted. I’m actually more excited that Gillis isn’t a member of the old boy’s club of GM’s because I’d prefer he spend more time using his knowledge of the game and management skills (however limited they may appear to be) towards building the right damn squad and less about boat trips, wedding invites and back slaps. Call me naive, but as long as Gillis has a strong understanding of the game (check), a vision for the team next season (check), and is going to assemble a team of aides and assistants around him to help fulfill that vision then sign me up.
Besides, I’m not sure you need to be part of that darling GM inner circle to make ends meet. Following Burke around, how much more training and inner circle respect did Nonis need? When his team needed it so badly, all those years in the back and front office netted him Matt Pettinger for Matt Cooke (a trade, mind you, he admitted he worked on for months). I know that’s not painting the situation entirely fair, but Nonis had all the mentoring and training in the world and, if you leave out Luongo, he accomplished very little so if Gillis has to be the exact opposite and learn the mechanics of being a GM on the fly, so what?
I also like Gillis being more blunt then his predecessor. He called the team average (gasp!), said Luongo is the only “double-A asset” the team has and admitted some things we blogging heads have wondered aloud like if the Sedins are true front liners, is our scouting department full of monkeys and the franchise’s never-ending affection for drafting complete busts. It took him all of ten minutes to chuck Stan Smyl under the bus as far as player development goes. He didn’t, however, chuck Vigneault under that same bus, though I am sure you could have the Penguins top line and Alain would saddle Crosby with Ritchie.
My only concern so far is calling out the obvious issues is one thing, fixing them is another. So it’s who Gillis surrounds himself with and his first couple moves out of the gate (the draft, trades and what of Sir Naslund) that concern me. Making those first steps are crucial to right the ship and put this team on some forward momentum for the first time in a long time. All easier said then done.
And what a fondness for other players that Gillis has represented? Like Tony Gallagher suggested he needs to draw that line in the sand between agent and GM immediately. I find it hard to believe he can draw a line in the sand that easily (as do some others), but time will tell.
Gillis could blow this team up in a million different ways, but I get the feeling he’d rather create something now, in the next two Luongo-guaranteed years. So with $20 million in cap money to spend, a relatively high draft pick, a deep defense and some prospects to tow, prepare to see some creative destruction (I don’t quote Schumpeter enough).
Next topic: Gillis needs a nickname. Suggestions?
Posted in Gillis will smack the spit out of your mouth No Comments »
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