Alanah has started a very bad thing: forcing everyone to confess they are closet boozehounds. No sweat for some of us. And I’m no different.

In fact, let’s get nuts. Since I think NHL players are a step above the rest of professional athletes, I’m just going to go leaguewide and find some wingmen…those who would pick up the tab…drinking partners.

Avalanche – Jose Theodore, but honestly I just want to grab his cell phone and drunk dial some celebs.
Blackhawks – Jim Vandermeer, but that’s because he’s related to an ex-GF of mine and I want some updated stories.
Blue Jackets – David Vyborny is one of the most underrated guys out there; hence he’s an underrated drinker. Long Island Ice Teas until dawn Davey.
Blues – Has to be Ville Nieminen. You wouldn’t want to drink with the joker? Yes you would, stop lying you lushes!
Boston – Andre the Giant did 119 bottles of beer in one night. I’ll grab a table Chara, you have a long night ahead of ya.
Canadians – Niinimaa. Sure, he’s awful, but I would think that would make him humble. And, better still, have a mental breakdown after round six.
Canucks – Matt Cooke. Every player hates him, every opposing fan wants him dead and yet he’s constantly smirking. I want to know the joke.
Capitals – Just edging out Ovechkin (you know he’s got to be funny after some ice block shots)…the one, the only…Donald Brashear.
Coyotes – OK Jovocop, a shot per every groin injury you’ve had in your professional career. We’ll be home by 7:00 PM, in bed by 7:05.
Devils – John Madden because he looks like a funny fuck who’d play jokes on other people in the pub.
Ducks – I know he’s new, but Todd Bertuzzi. I’m not explaining this if you don’t get it. Hate him all you want, you know he’d be a funny drunk.
Flames – Darren McCarty. We’re going to a biker bar too. Toothless ladies, some hogs and McCarty pounding a cowboy over an argument between the virtues of Memphis versus Branson? Sounds like a delightful romp!
Flyers – Jason Smith because I want the real deal on the aslyum that is the Oilers.
Hurricanes – I would say Staal but the lad can barely have a good bachelor party. So it’s Mike Commodore, but only if he gets the fro back in style.
Islanders – Aaron Asham because he looks like he would go straight for shots. No chasers.
Kings – Dan Cloutier. He may end up killing me, but it’s worth it. I have some fucking questions for the guy.
Lighting – Martin St. Louis purely because he’s my height and thus my ego gets a small boost. Hell, I may even pay for a round.
Maple Leafs – Wade Belak. Hey, if you’re going to grab a few with an NHL player, why not a massive, overly tattooed goon?
Oilers – Ales Hemsky. He’s about the only Oiler I can stomach watching. And the poor guy isn’t leaving Edmonton for a long, long time. In fact, we may need to bypass the bar and drive headlong into some kerosene.
Panthers – Salei. It’s a stretch here, but he’s got the Soviet-block origins going for him. Plus I want the Mike Modano face plant story from 1999 in person.
Penguins – Malkin is close, but Ruutu? I’m laughing right now just thinking about drinks with him and I’m sober!
Predators – All 5′8” of Jordin Tootoo. Sure, it’s the height thing again, but oh yeah, the dude’s batshit insane too (make sure you get to the 2:18 mark to watch Iginla get his ass handed to him).
Rangers – Fedor Tyutin because he looks like a wise ass and he’s Russian so he’ll be up for drinking anytime. Like Salei, it’s in his DNA (that rhymes sucka).
Red Wings – Tomas Holstrom primarily because he and Zetterberg are the only players I don’t want to strap a stick of dynamite to and light the match with a cigarette (completed by a snazzy one liner like “you just earned your wings kid”).
Sabres – I can’t deny a few with Campbell. I’ll get him to crack and admit that hit on Umberger made him snicker a bit.
Senators – No contest, it has to be Ray Emery. He just seems like he would have funny stories. Plus he’s probably suave with the ladies.
Sharks – Christian Ehrhoff so I can explain to him the finer points of power play points and their importance to those who pick him in fantasy hockey.
Stars – Mike Modano. I am told I should like him but I don’t. Maybe if I hang out with him that’ll change my mind? I’ll certainly warm up to the idea if he drags Willa Ford into the roadhouse.
Thashers – Hedberg. I’ve been a fan of this guy for years and he strikes me as a hysterical drunk.
Wild – Brian Rolston. I’m sorry Canuck fans, but this goal was sick. You can almost hear Luongo curse Rolston’s mother.

Honorable mention – Ed Belfour (obviously) and Cale Hulse but, really, it’s for his award-winning wife.