Wait, the game is free on Center Ice AND I don’t have to wait up until 12:30 AM to see the final score? And we get Lui back just in time to have no offense? Do I have beer and whiskey? Yes? SCHWEET. Let’s do this.

Pregame: Have I mentioned I love the Lightning Girls? Oh I have? Good. The lady to your right is Diana…she plays tennis, spends time on the beach and has two cats. And we all love her…and her cats. Bless you Diana.

(Period One)
20:00 – Lui is 12-10-2 lifetime against Tampa. For all the talk about how great he is against the Southeast, that’s really not that stellar a record.

18:19 – Hey, it’s Jan Hlavac everyone! Remember him? He had 10 goals in two seasons with Vancouver. Admit it, you have the jersey at home.

17:19 – First shot on goal by a filthy wide open Luc Bourdon and the Canucks get on the board. Bourdon’s second of the season is good enough for the 1-0 lead. Crack the bubbly!

14:28 – Luongo stones Proposal on a breakaway to maintain the lead…

14:17 – …and Lecavalier, perhaps fueled by pep and vigor from knowing his wife is hot, absolutely makes Burrows his bitch. Ouch.

12:06 – Tampa goes to the powerplay and needed about five seconds for the puck to bounce off Weaver’s skate and past Luongo. 1-1 as Tampa is playing far better now.

9:59 – Since the Bourdon goal, this has been all Tampa. Quicker to the puck, stronger on the puck and passing better in the Vancouver end. The Canucks suddenly have that “let’s just hang on for dear life” feel to their play.

7:32 – To elaborate on my last point, the shots are 5-1 and the Canucks have spent more time on their stomaches (no shit) in the Tampa end flailing around like they’ve never put ice skates on before. Also Roy is pasting anything in white that dares to be near him and leaving impressions in the boards in the process. This game must be fun for Tampa fans, christ.

4:08 – Edler blasts a shot from the point and Ramo stops it with Jaffray in front who had some whacks at it but the Tampa netminder shut him down.

3:37 – Burrows sends a floater pass that finds Pyatt in stride in the slot and he fires it home high on the glove side of Ramo. The good guys, with a paltry four shots, go back on top 2-1.

End of the first – Someone needs to tell the Center Ice people that the Sun Sports feed is a complete joke as it keeps crapping out (much like Center Ice online! Conspiracy? Or just shit? You decide). Anyway, it’s amazing that the Canucks have a lead since Tampa dictated much of the play in that period. Shots are 10-7 Tampa, but the Canucks cling to their normal one goal lead.

(Start Of Second)

18:59 – Ohh…Nazzy just misses a low shot to the blocker side on Ramo. That would have been pretty…and an ego boost to a dude who’s played with everyone in the lower mainland if I am to understand the newspapers and sports talk radio accurately.

16:48 – Gratton finds the five hole on Luongo and the game is tied up 2-2. Hlavac gets the assist and I assume he did so by calling on the powers of the Diana Lightning Girl. We do love her. Oh yeah, right…tied 2-2.

15:55 – Fuck me, Lecavalier had a clear breakaway from the blueline on Luongo and Lui shuts the pads to deny the five hole. Still 2-2. Fuck me.

12:33 – Well, it’s 4 X 4 and both teams are pummeling each other’s goalies respectively with someone on Tampa ringing one off the bar. Oy.

9:03 – The amount of end to end rushes in this game is making it fun to watch…even though I feel that every shot Tampa takes is legit and Vancouver’s are floater soft ones. Maybe I’m being too negative…no…no that’s not right. Me negative? Never.

7:14 – The AHL rules! Mike Brown flips the puck out of play for one penalty and then MvIver takes on Roy in a tussle that ends in a draw and Tampa goes back to the power play and Mike goes back to drinking (I feel like I am drinking for Canuck fans still at work. Never say I don’t work for you all).

5:15 – Cooke rocks the plus-minus queen Richards who starts seeing God while belly down on the ice. For two teams that next to never play each other, they’re quite pissy. You could argue it’s losing streaks getting to each team, but naaa…let’s just agree to say the hate is pure like the wind-driven Vancouver snow shall we?

4:23 – A mess in front of Ramo and Daniel rings one off the post.

3:21 – Well, this shitshow of a defense in front of Luongo was bound to fail sooner or later. Edler get blocked on a clear and St. Louis makes a lucky pass to Lecavalier and, still powered by the idea he goes home to a hot wife, fires a goal stick side on Lui. The bad guys are up 3-2.

1:59 – Prospal takes a high stick and Vancouver gets their first powerplay of the game. Let’s see what the 17th best powerplay in the league can do.

End of the second – Raymond, Jaffray, Bourdon, McIver, Brown…now I ask you, is anyone surprised this team is losing? Now they have to run into the third and do something that history shows they absolutely blow at: regaining/retaking the lead. Maybe they can do it…but…

(Start of Third)

13:25 – The Canucks get a powerplay change with O’Brien in the box and, one minute into it, Daniel gets an interference call to send it back to even all.

17:07 – Can I just say that nothing aggravates me more then a dump in from the red line when your team isn’t changing lines? Matt Cooke I am looking at you sir.

15:56 – Tarnasky and Cowan just fought a useless one. Good to see Vancouver can lose fights just like they can lose leads. And Ritchie just received a misconduct? For what I have no idea why. I’ll wager a guess he made a comment about Lecavalier’s wife…or Diana the Lightning girl! The latter would be wrong, the former would be just saying what we all know.

11:58 – Ranger takes a tripping call and the Canucks get a brief, ever-elusive 4-3 for 15 seconds…

11:27 – Seconds after Ramo stones Henrik, Richards just beats Luongo on the glove side to give Tampa a 4-2 lead. Luongo should have had that, period.

8:49 – Eight minutes left and down by two goals (almost three as Lecavalier rings one off the bar) and I am left to imagine insane scenarios that it would take for Vancouver to win this. Yes it involves a crazy Britney Spears riding the Cloverfield monster into the rink to cause enough distraction for Weaver to score, but hey…it could happen. Who are you to deny?

4:35 – Canucks are going through the motions now. Tampa is still playing smarter at this late a stage. I wonder how the Moose are doing?

2:18 – Fucking kill me this is painful.

1:05 – Jesus, Gratton fighting Burrows on his knees…Ohlund and O’Brien go at it for shit and giggles. This team can’t do anything right. If I am this annoyed, how must Luongo feel back there in his crease? Mic him up so I can hear him cursing, it’ll make me feel a bit more human.

:23 – Wow, Edler scores off a deflection. Just in time.

:22 – I could have sworn we just played this game against Dallas, didn’t we? A game that was over in the second but the score would suggest otherwise?

End of the game – You know a fitting way to move forward would be for Ohlund to get cracked in the face by a slap shot by McIver and for Luongo to have his groan ripped by a crease crash from Brown and just have Vancouver ice an an entire AHL defense (sorry, along with father time Miller and mighty might Weaver) in front of Sanford. That coupled with four lines that can barely score on their own without some luck and, voila, we get a top five pick in the draft come June. What’s left of this team gets to go on and play the Panthers tomorrow. Free TV’s for every goal against Luongo? I smell a Panasonic conspiracy.