A solution to Chris Pronger’s stomp
Mar 15th, 2008 | By Mike | Category: Uncategorized
OK, enough of the complaining. Look, if you don’t know what a stomp looks like then I fear you need to google the phrase “stomp” or have a heart to heart with Chris Simon. He knows right? Hell, he stomped a (former) Canuck too!
So sure he’ll get suspended probably but something tells me the Ducks will be fine in his absence. But what of the Canucks? They aren’t even good now; what steps should they take to properly respond to Pronger’s stompiness?
Lucky for you, I have a solution. It goes something like this:
Step 1: Canucks fail to make the post season (this really isn’t too much of a stretch).
Step 2: Dave Nonis is forced to do something in the offseason, especially with his influx of cash from some notable people who will probably be leaving. Better yet, just for this scenario, let’s pretend Nazzy and Morrison both re-up for one year at $3,000,000 each.
Step 3: Nonis, drunk on S’mores-flavored schnapps and exhausted from a long night of watching Arrested Development re-runs, calls up Peter Chiarelli in Boston and offers him Naslund, Morrison, Salo, and 1st/2nd rounders all for the tallest player in NHL history. Chiarelli bites because I say so.
Step 4: Have the humble Slovak arrive in B.C. and immediately tie him down (I’d recommend using a crop of Canuck players, but since they are all pansies or Swedish, find some lumberjacks or something, be creative) and Clockwork Orange him for the entire summer. Don’t stop. Not even a pee break. He spends all summer with those eyes wide open, watching puppies being slapped and kittens tossed in rivers. And the Slovak flag being burned. Yeah, stuff like that.
Step 5: We do not release Chara from the chair until sometime in mid October, presumably when the first VAN/ANA game will be.
Step 6: Vigneault lines Chara up with our first line to ensure that Pronger is on the ice (and our first line, by this point, will be a two Sedins and a Pettinger probably…ugh).
Step 7: Chara is unleashed on the ice, makes a beeline for Pronger and immediately mauls him. Think best check on the planet time. Pronger’s head is down and he never saw him coming. Like Campbell and Umberger. Just a perfect moment for 6 ft 9 inches of mentally abused fury to come crashing down on 6 ft 6 inches of poor – and now little – Pronger.
Step 8: With Pronger down on the ice, Chara “loses his footing” (preferably off camera) and stomps down on him.
Step 9: Afterwards, we can ALL go through this process again, debating what and what isn’t a stomp, what does and does not deserve a suspension, is hockey too violent or just a man’s sport, etc. We can all watch Colin Campbell age before our very eyes.
Step 10: Nothing will have been solved, but Pronger will get a taste of his own medicine and the Canucks will have a monster on defense. Granted they will still not be able to score…but then Nonis can rest on his laurels for making another trade that didn’t explode in his face and we Vancouver fans can spend yet another year watching a team that can’t score but, hey, that D on paper sure looks pretty.
So, yes, Sir Nonis please make this happen. That or someone can tape Steve Moore’s picture on the back of Pronger’s jersey in practice and see what Bert does. (Am I even allowed to make that joke? Sure, why not).
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